


Love will lead you back

by SafulaSaFuti



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Light Angst, POV First Person, POV Original Character, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:13:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26791942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SafulaSaFuti/pseuds/SafulaSaFuti
Summary: I knew the boy way before they know the man.
Relationships: Erwin Smith & Original Female Character(s), Erwin Smith & Reader, Erwin Smith/Original Female Character(s), Erwin Smith/Reader
Comments: 4
Kudos: 43





	Love will lead you back

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, I've updated this because there was a LOT of mistakes. FORGIVE ME!!!

I knew very well from the moment I met him that he is going to be my downfall.

He will hurt me more than anyone could. I knew this, but I let him do it anyway.

What can I do? I was a defenseless nine-year-old who knew nothing about love. The boy walked into my life like he always belongs there. He took down my walls, lit my soul on fire and fuck up my head and heart.

I was utterly unprepared.

I blame it in his eyes, really. Those baby blues fucked me over. Some say the eyes are the window of the soul. His was an abyss that will suck you in until you are lost in them.

I drowned in those eyes more times I can think of. So, you see, I wouldn't have stood a chance.

My stupid naive heart, of all the people she can choose from, she decided for a boy who doesn't have enough room in his heart to love someone like me. Now, look at this deep shit I’m in.

I can't blame him, not really. He is meant for great things. We are not a match. He shouldn't be with a girl who is foolish enough to follow him to the military, but too coward to join him in his quest for the truth. A man like him should be with someone who can ground him and be his equal. Someone who will accept that he is imperfect and inevitably flawed but will love him anyways. By the gods, he deserves every ounce of happiness this life can offer.

_Get a grip, you shouldn’t be thinking about this. Not when he’s five minutes away._

Salute, smile, shake his hands and be done with it. I should be used to it by now, but no. I mean, I have lived with these feelings for a long time, and it’s been embedded in my being that I should be able to ignore them. You feel me? I admit it still hurts, but I have longed for him for so many years that the pain becomes normal. Sometimes I don’t realize it exists.

Unless, the idiot visits Mitras, and I get to see his handsome mug again. _Start acting your age, seriously. This is embarrassing._

I can hear my pulse quicken. Their envoy in sight. _Damn it._ _What’s with the butterflies in my stomach. It’s really getting old._

Heads up, shoulder straight, remember who you are, and what you can do. There are no more monsters in the closet. You’ve come a long way, brave girl.

 _Oh god, there he is._ Look at him. He’s aging really well. _Stop staring idiot._

I forced myself to walk towards his party to greet them. "I trust your journey is well," I said. The urge to pull him close to my chest is strong. Luckily, he answered before I can do something stupid and humiliate myself. "It wasn't so bad,” he retorted. He gave me a once over and smiled warmly. His eyes don’t crinkle like it used to be, and yet it still has the same effect in me. Bees still join the butterflies in my stomach on a somersault.

I know I need to get rid of these feelings, I’m not naïve. But how do you move on from someone who is never truly yours? You see, I have been trying to get over him for 20 fucking years. 

My friends tell me that I have to forget how he made me feel and remember what I deserve. I wish it was that easy, but it’s not. They will never understand that no matter how much I cry, run or hide, he will always be at the back of my mind. I can fuck and kiss another boy, but when I’m lonely at night, all I can think of is his piercing blue eyes. You see, I already accepted the fact that I can never escape the emotions and memories from our life before the world screwed us over. There’s no point in moving on. I know I will only love him. 

I smiled at him tight-lipped. "Congratulations on your promotion. You deserved it." I said simply. "Thank you. How is everything?" he asked. "Same old, same old. Nile is still a pain in my ass if you really want to know." I joked. He smiled at me again, and before he could answer I turned away. My facade will break if we keep on talking. I don’t want to make a fool of myself in front of all these people. I looked over to his men and greeted them. He has an eye for spotting talented soldiers, I’ll give him that. They are a weird bunch but he trusts these people so naturally, I trust them too.

As I escorted them to the assembly, I realized that this man broke my heart more times than I can count. I should feel contempt and hate towards him, don’t I? If humans could have died with grief, I would have bit the dust years ago. I feel it in the pit of my stomach. Real pain, hurt and misery.

But this is different. I love him. I will ALWAYS love him. It's the same feeling I felt the first time he kissed me. There will be no one but him. I just have to ignore the pain. There's nothing I can do about it. 

So, obviously, I still worship the road he walks on. Not even the rejections or the secret tryst can discourage me from loving this man. I think the problem started when I made myself too available for him. I made him think that he can come and go as he pleases, and I would still answer the door. I became his safe place, a sure thing. 

As bad as it was, I learned something about me. No matter how much I want to give the world a taste of its own medicine, I will not use my pain to inflict it on anyone. Even if I'm hurting, I can still love and care deeply. I refused to be hardened by the world who treated me so poorly. **I will never wish this agony on anyone.**

When we were younger, I hoped that we could happen, you know? But apparently, hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have. Look, where I am now. _Fucking dumb. I can’t blame anyone if I’m breaking my own heart._

 _Did he get taller, though?_ Of course not, he’s not in his teens, shit-for-brains. The growth sprout stopped years ago. He smells nice too. He’s wearing a perfume. Why is he wearing perfume? He never wears perfume. It’s impossible that he will buy something he doesn’t necessarily need. Unless someone gave it to him as a gift. Who gives perfume as a gift? _Oh, god. Is he dating someone?_

Before I can overthink this further, we arrived at our destination. I grabbed his arms before he opened the door. “I need to warn you. They are in a mood. I hope you're prepared,” I told him. He looked at me with those piercing blue eyes and said- “We are prepared.”

I will always be in awe with this man’s conviction. He already sacrificed too much, and yet he still puts humanity first before his own happiness. I can never comprehend how he can love a world who continues to damned him. How can anyone be so kind?

 _We are prepared_. The ferociousness in his eyes stirred something wild inside me. “Well, may the odds be in your favor, Bubba” I answered. He reached for me and patted my head. “It’s always nice to know that someone will always be on my side,” he answered. My heart clenched as he smiled at me the same way he did all those years ago. 

With one last look, he finally entered the door. His entourage followed closely behind. 

I watched him go dumbfounded. Every inch of me falling in love with him all over again. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, let me know if I should continue this story. I know its not perfect but I really want to get this out of my chest. Also, I have ADHD so if I lost interest in this story, please forgive me.


End file.
